What helper library should a function like the following exist in?

  function array_select_keys(array $dict, array $keys)
  {
      $result = array();
      foreach ($keys as $key) {
          if (array_key_exists($key, $dict)) {
              $result[$key] = $dict[$key];
          }
      }
      return $result;
  }

    namespace App\Library;
    class EasyString {
        public static function starts_with();
        ...
    }

    use App\Library\EasyString as ES;

   array_intersect_key

  $array = ['a' => 1, 'b' => 2, 'c' => 3, 'd' => 4];

  array_select_keys($array, ['a', 'b']);
  array_intersect_key($array, ['a' => '', 'b' => '']); // OR
  array_intersect_key($array, array_flip(['a', 'b'])); // OR

In either case, that wasn't the point. This is a basic kind of functionality that doesn't belong to any particular class in most code bases. So in this case, having a class of 'helper' functions like these isn't bad.

The point still stands, though, that you shouldn't put array_select_keys into a php file filled with other helper functions. array_select_keys would go perfectly into a helper class called ArrayHelper with a bunch of other array convenience functions.

I'm pretty sure the author was talking about a helpers.php file like this:

    myGetPlaintextUserPasswordFromGET();
    encryptPasswordMD5(); //don't use this one anymore
    connect_to_my_mysql_database(); //complete with hardcoded values
    increment_for_loop();
    my_input_sanitizer();
    encryptPasswordSHA1(); //don't use thiS!!!
    my_improved_input_sanitizer(); //use this one from now on!!
    add_user_to_database();
    getCharacterAtPosition();
    generate_a_random_number_between_one_and_ten();
    show_user_alert();
    encryptPasswordSHA1_withsalt(); //USE THIS OnE!
    myConvertEmoticonToSmiley();
    ...

It doesn't stand. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a file with simple helper functions.

  ArrayHelpers::array_select_keys();

  array_select_keys();

ArrayHelpers helps me never wonder about where to find an array convenience function. ("array_select_keys() must be in the ArrayHelpers class" vs. "Hmm...where is that function...ugh ok let me run a find on it...oh there it is, right in between create_html_tag() and get_primes()").

ArrayHelpers lets me do lazy loading, so instead of loading everything from encrypt_password() to get_cookie_val() to do a simple task, I only get some useful array functions. Related to that, ArrayHelpers adheres to the interface segregation principle, so my function that I'm using array_select_keys() with doesn't have to know about functions that don't apply to it.

AutoHelpers helps keep my files small and maintainable. You know we've all seen helper.php files that are so monolithic that they have to be broken up with separators like this:

    ////////////////////////////////////////
    //
    //       -- ARRAY FUNCTIONS --
    //           lol oop suxx
    //
    ////////////////////////////////////////

ArrayHelpers lets me avoid obnoxious require() statements.

ArrayHelpers can be used on pretty much every future project ever without modification, so I know it will work out of the box. helpers.php on the other hand? Well, oh crap, some app-specific helpers just happened to weasel their way in there, guess I better delete them. OOPS! Deleted a semi colon by mistake and now my whole app has borked itself.

I mean, what's not to like? A few extra characters?

Yes. This has nothing to do with flat functions vs. classes. I've seen 'helper' classes get shitted up just as much as function files.

My point is that it doesn't matter. Many projects don't require heavy portability, and in either case, bootstrapping a namespaced shim next to your autoloader isn't a problem.

I'm not arguing that if you have a very extensive functions library, you should separate it out. I totally agree that you should. But saying 'NEVER MAKE A FUNCTIONS FILE NEVER EVER EVER ON PAIN OF DEATH' is silly.

I just hate when someone posts something like this and goes 'Everything You Know Is A Lie!" No, it's not. I just happen to have read this shit eight years ago, and that was late already.

Time to see how it stacks up against some other Monos for code readability...

It's awesome that you already have a ton of experience under your belt, but no matter where you go, missing that degree is usually a red flag. Even if you end up as an entrepreneur, it will get you away from a lot of awkward questions. Not only that, but in taking some basic courses you might find that you have some other passions that were hidden before. Not to mention the hundreds of people you'll meet and make connections with.

Also remember that you might not have to go to a community college. Go to some prospective schools, talk to their admissions officers and teachers. Your three years in software development do mean something, and theres a chance you could get in to a school that would actually teach you a lot.