My husband's hair is thinning, between the anguish he feels and the guilt I feel for finding it unattractive, a cure would be fantastic.
He wants to save up for a 20k transplant surgery, but I'm finding it hard to accept price wise when we have two kids.
See if shaving all the hair off would help. It's what a lot of people do and it works as long as they "own" it. And importantly it works for certain kinds of heads, so a bit of imagining is required
It does also involve shaving the hair more frequently, so ideally you'd get a hair clipper for home use to save on costs.
I guess that would work for a lot of people, but I'm personally not attracted to bald men. So I think I'd prefer if my husband got the transplants, I think our only problem is money... but the more I think about it, it'll probably be worth it for our marriage in the long run.
> it'll probably be worth it for our marriage in the long run.
What are you gonna do when you both get old? You're going be a saggy-breasted wrinkly bag (might already be due to the kids) and so will he, best figure out your attitude problem now.
Being attracted to someone is not a choice. If people could trick their brain into being attracted to whoever they want, they would. I am afraid it is "built in" to a large extent. I agree with your sentiment, though. It is worth trying, but it is not as easy as an attitude adjustment.
Both of you are right, but if you plan to be married for life, it only goes downhill (with mild bursts of looking 5-10 years younger for a minute after you take up running in middle-age.)
This comment is rather interesting to me. If I understand what you are saying here is that unless your husband is willing to undergo cosmetic surgery the long-term probability of you two staying together goes down?
This is a provocative and unnecessary rewording. Her meaning is plain. Tons of things affect relationships negatively - divorce is only one result of infinite, and you may phrase each negative event as "increasing the likelihood of divorce", but it serves no purpose.
She's actually communicating quite reasonably and sounds pragmatic, not callous. I'm frankly astounded by the amount and severity of weirdly "normal" angry replies about this on HN ("normal" as in typical on the internet). Even on emotional topics, there's usually only one or two of those, and they often get flagged quickly.
I say this without anger but it makes me feel as uncomfortable and sad as if I'd read "if my wife doesn't get breast implants our marriage will suffer." I can't imagine saying that to someone I'm in a relationship with or how gutted I'd feel if someone asked that of me. Maybe it's the kind of honesty and pragmatism you reach after decades of marriage, but it's horrible to read from the outside.
I agree, and as a bald man myself, it's a tad surprising to read this from the spouse of a man who's currently only thinning - and someone they have two kids with. That thinning hair has been extrapolated to something that's irrevocably damaging to their marriage. I get it - a shiny pate isn't everybody's thing - but it's still surprising to read that it's worth losing a spouse and the father of your children over.
>worth losing a spouse and the father of your children over.
Again, this is uncharitable exaggeration/rewording. Doing this to people perpetuates the unwillingness of many to speak honestly even at times when it would be ultimately beneficial.
I'm confused as to how this is at all uncharitable, here is a direct quote from the commenter: "I guess that would work for a lot of people, but I'm personally not attracted to bald men. So I think I'd prefer if my husband got the transplants, I think our only problem is money... but the more I think about it, it'll probably be worth it for our marriage in the long run."
Is it being uncharitable to assume that she thinks that her marriage will be negatively affected by her husband going bald? She specifically states she's not attracted to bald men, and says she'd be willing to spend money they don't currently have for him to get a hair transplant in order to save their marriage "in the long run".
No, this is refreshing communication. The alternative isn't hippy dippy paradise, it's suppressing the problem until they start fighting for "no reason" and then being unable to consider several of their better options because they weren't willing to talk about it.
While your concern is certainly very personal, and a deeply rooted preference over which you have little control, I have to point out that body shaming can have disastrous effects on the recipient[1].
I won't ask any questions to avoid embarrassing your husband on this forum where he can't defend himself, but I will note that if he isn't in good shape or dresses unfashionably (not necessarily stylish--simply clean clothes that fit well and flatter him), baldness will hit him much harder. You may help your relationship by assisting his improvement in those areas; if that's already the case and you really just can't stand baldness, alas.
I was using minoxonil for a while and it was just meh, I knew about propecia but the side-effects are bad and it messes with hormones. Discovered Hims makes a minoxonil + propecia combination topical. This combined with norizal shampoo lead to a massive difference in about 9 months. I only apply once a day, not twice a day like recommended so it could possibly be even better for me.
The Hims stuff is only $50/mo and I'm really stretching it out since I'm only applying half what they recommend. I really would recommend trying this out to anybody before going to implants.
He could start taking finasteride/propecia. If he was getting a hair transplant, he would have to take it anyway so his hairline doesn't recede further behind the transplanted hair.
All I can say is your relation looks very superficial that I'm not sure why are you married in the first place. What happens if either of you for some reason (like an accident) suffer physiological changes that "you don't find attractive"? Are you going to pack and leave? So sad.
This is an unrealistic, but common opinion due to how emotional the topic is. It's important to try to avoid adding hostility to the conversation because it "feels" justified. Nobody can control what they find attractive and unattractive, and attraction is an absolutely unavoidable component of most marital relationships. Some people focus on it unreasonably, and we consider them shallow, but it is impossible to _expect_ any arbitrary person to be utterly unaffected by it.
Fair enough, but we are also talking about normal human aging here - the vast majority of men will experience some level of hair loss over time. Expecting your male spouse to retain a juvenile hairline into later decades is unrealistic and shortsighted. Not attracted to bald men? Fine - majority of people aren't - but plenty of people are willing to overlook physiological maturation in their spouse over time.
> Nobody can control what they find attractive and unattractive, and attraction is an absolutely unavoidable component of most marital relationships. Some people focus on it unreasonably, and we consider them shallow, but it is impossible to _expect_ any arbitrary person to be utterly unaffected by it.
I don't think the mood in this thread is expecting her (I assume it's a woman) to be utterly unaffected by the normal, healthy aging almost all men undergo. I think we're a little taken aback that she's so repulsed by the idea of her two children's' father's thinning scalp.
My husband's hair is thinning, between the anguish he feels and the guilt I feel for finding it unattractive, a cure would be fantastic. He wants to save up for a 20k transplant surgery, but I'm finding it hard to accept price wise when we have two kids.