Speaking for my own abuser, he is the only subject in his entire world. The rest of the universe is full of objects only. He has demonstrated (to clinicians, not just to me) that he has no ability whatsoever to realize that other people are capable of feeling different things than he does, so if something makes him feel good, it makes even the little child he's doing it to feel good too.
He has said on a number of occasions that he (still, in his late 60s) struggles to believe things continue to exist when he can't see them. Even if you're sitting across a table from him and can clearly see behind him, he doesn't believe the things behind him continue to exist, even though you can see them.
I suspect he's on a pretty extreme end of a spectrum there, but that some version of that underlies a lot of trauma. Adults are doing something to meet some need or desire they have, without enough awareness that the (usually young) person in front of them is experiencing it totally differently.
> I suspect he's on a pretty extreme end of a spectrum there, but that some version of that underlies a lot of trauma.
I'm inclined to agree; one can attach labels to this person of "psychopath", "narcissist", etc, but in a lot of people with that label there isn't a physical problem that they were born with, but events in their lives (often early childhood as per the article) that changed something in their brains for the worst. I don't think they were a lost cause, but they would have needed intensive therapy to try and unfuck some of what they've gone through, and it would only have worked when they were much younger (neuroplasticity etc).
Disclaimer: armchair opinion, I'm not a professional or expert.
I'll even acknowledge his dad was worse than he is, and my great-grandfather worse still. But all those generations until my brother died defending the belief that they were fine and everyone else was the problem.
I think change is possible for anyone, but they have to want it (and the more change that's needed, the bigger the desire has to be). And I've realized there isn't anything I can do to make my dad want to change.
> But all those generations until my brother died defending the belief that they were fine and everyone else was the problem.
That's also what I observed but it's almost tautological, isn't it? If they were able/willing to realize it, they'd feel the need to change it, unless we're talking about severe psychopaths.
> I think change is possible for anyone, but they have to want it (and the more change that's needed, the bigger the desire has to be). And I've realized there isn't anything I can do to make my dad want to change.
I think it's possible most times, and that no one should try. The victim is usually better-placed to do it and they don't deserve to waste part of their life for someone who causes them problems on purpose.
It may be a job for the mental health system, or for school in the long run, but that's a long shot. Or maybe we should focus on giving victims an escape. I'm not sure there's a good solution if we want to give all parents freedom.
Do the people doing the traumatising typically know they are doing it? Do they typically deny it if confronted?