This is only tangentially related but I need to vent because that first paragraph really bothered me, not because of the OPs experience but because it highlighted something I will never feel and I’m bitter about it.
I have never once in my life felt like a god for completing anything. For the longest time I also never knew why other people were so obsessed with personal goals. It’s only very recently I realized that, A those two things are entirely related and B that’s one of the main reasons why life with ADHD is so fucking impossible.
Because ADHD not only robs you of your ability to pay attention, to interact normally in social situations, to perceive time, to do the things you want to do, when you want to do them, to remember who you are and what you’ve done, or are currently doing, of the the experience of having a clear mind, and the ability to hear yourself think without getting distracted.
It also robs you of the experience, that I now realize is not at all metaphorical and is actually felt by basically everyone else, of feeling good after you achieve something.
It leaves you with no drive or reward mechanism, I will never have the experience the OP had, because my brain will never create that experience for me.
So I drift from one interest to the next, because the only reward I get is from novelty, as long as things are interesting I can stay focused, but as soon as I loose interest my brain stops giving me a reward signal and I move on.
But that reward is not satisfaction, it does not build self confidence in my own ability, nor does it drive me to improve. all it does is satisfy a need.
I think that’s the most debilitating thing about adhd. The lack of that most basic feedback loop is why I have essentially no self confidence, because there is no mechanism for me to feel good about myself, there is only a drive to find new shiny objects, never to polish and improve the ones I have.
I think the book "The Now Habit" discusses this well. (Could be another book though...)
I once completed a 3000 mile cycling tour across the US (and didn't take ADHD meds while on the trip) and was I was basically disappointed to reach the west coast.
> So I drift from one interest to the next, because the only reward I get is from novelty, as long as things are interesting I can stay focused, but as soon as I loose interest my brain stops giving me a reward signal and I move on.
That hits so hard as a fellow ADHDer. I read that then turned around to look at my disastrously messy home office filled with hundreds of partly done projects and abandoned hobbies. I often wish I wasn't highly compensated since being broke would meter me. ADHD is a vicious cycle.
I have never once in my life felt like a god for completing anything. For the longest time I also never knew why other people were so obsessed with personal goals. It’s only very recently I realized that, A those two things are entirely related and B that’s one of the main reasons why life with ADHD is so fucking impossible.
Because ADHD not only robs you of your ability to pay attention, to interact normally in social situations, to perceive time, to do the things you want to do, when you want to do them, to remember who you are and what you’ve done, or are currently doing, of the the experience of having a clear mind, and the ability to hear yourself think without getting distracted.
It also robs you of the experience, that I now realize is not at all metaphorical and is actually felt by basically everyone else, of feeling good after you achieve something.
It leaves you with no drive or reward mechanism, I will never have the experience the OP had, because my brain will never create that experience for me.
So I drift from one interest to the next, because the only reward I get is from novelty, as long as things are interesting I can stay focused, but as soon as I loose interest my brain stops giving me a reward signal and I move on.
But that reward is not satisfaction, it does not build self confidence in my own ability, nor does it drive me to improve. all it does is satisfy a need.
I think that’s the most debilitating thing about adhd. The lack of that most basic feedback loop is why I have essentially no self confidence, because there is no mechanism for me to feel good about myself, there is only a drive to find new shiny objects, never to polish and improve the ones I have.