> It’s unwise to discard these investments or be reluctant to recover them, especially when the cost is a simple message and conversation every now and then.
Hilariously out of touch quote in article that is on a surface level so thoroughly researched. There is nothing simple about "message and conversation every now and then"
The author touches on this themselves:
> I was relieved — I didn’t want to dwell on my present circumstances because it would have highlighted how much our paths have diverged.
Ich weiß von alters her, daß man entfernten Freunden gar nicht schreibt, wenn man darauf warten will, bis man ihnen etwas zu schreiben hat.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
i know for a long time that you don't ever write to distant friends if you want to wait until you have something worth writing about.
i found this in a collection of quotes. i don't know if it is verified as genuine, but that doesn't matter. the sentiment expressed makes sense either way.
i sent that quote to a friend that i haven't talked to in a while, followed by "how are you?" which then led to a nice conversation catching up.
the thing is that doing this is a lot easier than suddenly talking to someone because you actually want something from them.
compare for example the discussions here on HN on how we need to build a network to help us find jobs. the part that i am struggling with is that i don't usually keep in touch often enough with the people in my network so that asking anyone to help me find a job feels rather awkward. i'd rather just message people out of the blue for no reason at all instead of waiting until i seriously need their help.
I'm not so sure. I come from southern Europe where doing something like that is easy, because people mean it. But living abroad I can probably count with one hand the times that someone made good on that. Sometimes I followed up with someone, just to get excuses and vague answers. I had to learn the hard and awkward way that most people are just trying to be polite and don't really want to "stay in touch".
Yes, that's exactly right. That's what the above is. You have to maintain polite contact with people in order to stay on the radar. It's why people used to send each other Christmas cards even though they had not spoken all year. Just touching base, letting you know you're still on my list.
None of the above imagined conversation is to be taken literally. It's just a polite ping/ack. It doesn't create any further obligation.
For me it's interesting -- I'm somebody who has in the past made the niceties when somebody reached about but ultimately not reciprocated much. And it wasn't because I didn't care, it was because never in my life had somebody reaching out from the past resulted in genuinely satisfying interactions. So in a certain fatalistic way, I had decided it wouldn't amount to anything which was then possibly self-fulfilling.
I used to believe that whenever coworkers ask how to stay in touch after I leave a job it was just a lie we all tell ourselves to make the transition easier. But I'm finding that many of my coworkers say they do stay in touch with old colleagues.
Perhaps part of the lesson is that some of us who don't reciprocate with you do care, but have no mental model (or lack the social grace) to navigate a more tricky relationship (e.g. what if work is now much better now that this person left, and what if the people and things you had in common no longer apply).
Hilariously out of touch quote in article that is on a surface level so thoroughly researched. There is nothing simple about "message and conversation every now and then"
The author touches on this themselves:
> I was relieved — I didn’t want to dwell on my present circumstances because it would have highlighted how much our paths have diverged.